Donner Party (All Night)

"And I wanted you to know

It was you that we were thinking of as we quietly died in the snow
A place we'd never leave
A place we'd never want to call home"
- Alkaline Trio

First and foremost I've gotta say it's good to be recognized by somebody. Unfortunately I hate to be presented in the same forum as any fan from what I would consider a "lesser organization".

To you Seattle fans reading this I just want to make sure you are aware. I did spend a total of like ten bucks to make that as opposed to your tifos which (according to rumor and my magic 8 ball) are completely funded by your front office. Also, on an unrelated note. I'm not sure who you were claiming to "dominate for decades" in week 9. Was it a bunch of minor league teams in the standings? As we all know if the answer to that question is yes then that's pretty weak sauce. If you are talking about your US Open Cup win(s)... yeah... who doesn't have one of those? I thought Garber started handing those out when you paid your expansion fee.

On the other hand if it has something to do with attendance than that's just absolute bullshit. As we all know from what most Seattle fans would tell you they have been HUGE Sounders fans since well before MLS was started. They did however have an interesting policy. "Fans" or as Drew Carey calls them "Cash Machines" were only allowed to attend one home game per year (as to make sure there was plenty of room for any new fans). That must be how everyone in Seattle was a huge Sounders fan in 2008, but they only averaged 2,785 per game.

Also. One other thing before I get to the actual point of this Blog. To say "Domination for Decades" it would require your team to be around for over 20 years. (See kids, I don't know if this is part of the Washington Public School curriculum, but a decade lasts ten years. Saying decades would indicate you have been around for MULTIPLE ten year sets. As your current team name was resurrected in 1994 that leaves you with less than 20 consecutive years which leads me to just question your math skills.)

Oh...

Sorry.

Salt Lake is here. Did I keep you waiting long?

My Just Watched Iron Man 2 on Netflix and Probably Should be in Bed, but I Wanted to do some Sort of Preview for this Match Before I Went to Sleep and Have Promised Myself Not to Make any Mormon Jokes as I Respect as Much as I Respect Other Religions Match Preview

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

Oh... really. Just because I'm a Crew fan you thought to yourself. "He won't bring that up. He's not that much of a douchebag. Guess what chief. I am EXACTLY that much of a douchebag.

I need to address you Thecrew.com for just a second... seriously? I quote "Columbus has never won in three trips all-time to Rio Tinto Stadium in league and MLS Cup play."

It's been four trips to Sandy. We've lost 2 league matches 1 playoff match and we played some of the worst soccer I've seen in this year's Champions League tie.

This, you may remember as the game where head coach Robert Warzycha decided to show up and coach the entire game with a blood alcohol content of .15.

Ok, so not really, but it was a pretty damn piss poor game against a team that we blanked the week before at Hunt Park.

ADVANTAGE SALT LAKE

Last Regular Season Meeting at Crew Stadium

While this was the Crew's first multiple goal win against a team not from Canada or Texas...



Aww... who am I kidding. This game meant three points. Nobody in Columbus cares when we play Salt Lake in a regular season match. Ever.

Oh well, we won.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Not Having Players on the Team Who Could be Confused for Members of the Counting Crows




ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Beer

Yeah, I'm going there. I was in SLC in 2009 for the Crew away match and while I had a great time I had a hard time wrapping my head around why I couldn't buy real beer at a gas station.

I guess they have cleaned up the whole 3.2 beer thing in recent years, but just for the sins of their past.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS


So I'm looking forward to tonight's match, but will be at a home away from home tonight as part of my "buy me a beer" outreach program. Instead of viewing tonight's match at Hooligans as I normally do, I will be throwing a dart at the board and picking either Ruby's, 4th Street, Fado, Suzie Cue or wherever the Crew Bar Tour is.

Oh god. It's at Mellow Mushroom. Well strike that off the list till they understand how to handle avocado without making me want to puke. Fado would be fun, but I plan on getting good and polished for this one.

Come find me tomorrow night. It'll probably be at Ruby's or 4th.

"So we began this way, I don't recall where we got started
And so we end this way no trace of us in spring "

God Save the Queen

"God save the queen
'Cause tourists are money"

Zomg! Alert the press! We're playing a team from England!!!!!!!!!

Seriously... one of the games I have looked forward to the least in the last 4 years... and I went to the Metipan match in '08!

All this game does is fulfill a schedule requirement that we have 18 home games since we didn't make CCL. Honestly, would have taken the Richmond game in USOC over this one, but that's just me.

Here's the deal, I get sorta hyped up a few times a year to play a meaningless game against a sub par team who's country is governed by a monarch. If I don't get all that excited about the Toronto or Vancouver matches why should I get excited about a friendly against Newcastle?

So from there...

My apathetic preview for the Crew v Newcastle Match

Supporters
... really? Toon Army?

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Times Relegated

I honestly don't care that Columbus can't be relegated If the answer is more than zero I'm going with the Crew on this one.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

League Championships Since My Grandfather Graduated High School

Crew 1 - NUFC 0.

Awww... too mean? OK... fine. National open cup championships since my DAD Graduated High School.

Wait... same score? Awww... sorry guys.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Crappy Movies About Your Club

NUFC 1


Crew 0.

Jesus that movie was horrible.

ADVANTAGE CREW

Actually Caring About the Outcome of this Match

Well... neither of the teams care. That's for sure. The Crew fans just hope nobody important gets injured as we have an actual chance at hardware this season so the only reason you'd have an interest in this game is if you never get to see the team you like. Also by like I mean follow because for some reason you don't like MLS. Oh... by don't like MLS I mean that you think liking MLS will ruin your Brit-Cred.

ADVANTAGE AMERICAN NEWCASTLE FANS


Alright, I'll see you all at the match tomorrow as I have nothing better to do.

PS... you know what would be fun? If just for the hell of it the loser of this game had to go play in the MLS All Star Game. Although with as pointless as this match is I wouldn't want the losing side to have to play in an even more pointless match.

"And there is no future
In England's dreaming"

But in all seriousness Newcastle fans. I know I gave you a hard time in this post. It's kinda what I do. I do want to say something from the bottom of my heart to all the Newcastle fans making the trip from wherever you are from.


...


...


Thanks for the money.

Philadelphia

"Philly's the place where the mummers are weird and i do not think the Sixers have won
in years I begged Mayor Rendell and the cops on the beat
to have mercy on me and Jen and please blow up South Street"
-Atom and His Package

I seriously feel horrible. I remembered after getting back from the bar tonight. (BTW - only supporters owned bar in all of MLS douches.) That I realized I had written a whole Philadelphia joke and not even used it.

Last time Philly played Columbus I ran in to some Philly fans and questioned why their fan base hadn't been given the same amount of respect (read -"Garber hard ons") as the rest of the new expansion teams.

They replied with "Doop, Doop, Doop" and then started throwing nine volt batteries at my head. It was then that I remembered. Everyone from Philadelphia is a complete idiot.

See... how could I keep that from you?

Roses

"I know you'd like to thank your shit don't stank
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like poo-poo
Yeah, roses really smell like poo-poo"

It's come to it again. That time of year where Columbus takes on Don Garber's flavor of the month. It's our game against The LA Galaxy...

...

... wait what? We already played them?

... weird... TFC?... ... ...

Nope, what is it then... do we play Seattle again this week?

Well then who the... ah. Portland.

It seems like every year we seem to have this problem. If you Google "Best Fans In MLS Toronto" the first article that pops up is from 2007. Change Toronto to Portland or Seattle and you get articles published at the beginning of this season.

So who are the "best fans in MLS?" I think the better question to pose is "Who gives a Goddamn?" Clubs such as Portland, Seattle and Toronto have changed the MLS landscape to a virtual wankfest any time any MLS team is mentioned. I would post an example of a Portland vs Seattle flame war on this blog, but I honestly don't want to Google "Two Guys Jerking Off in Front of a Computer".

So without any further delay. My completely random match preview.

Opinion of Themselves

Well, you gotta give this one to Portland. Look at the Timbers Army. They certainly know how to paint and if there's one thing that will win you soccer games. It's certainly painting.

ADVANTAGE PORTLAND

Mascot

This is a hard one. I've always had a special place in my heart for Crew Cat. He may not be the most intimidating mascot in Major League Soccer. He may not have any weapons, but he is a cat in a goddamn hard hat and that's pretty awesome in my book.

On the other hand...


HOLY CRAP... SOMEBODY GAVE THE SPECIAL NEEDS KID A CHAINSAW!

Seriously. We can't have streamers, but it's perfectly fracking acceptable to fire up a damn chainsaw during the run of play? I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one.

ADVANTAGE PORTLAND


Hipster Fans


Certainly you wouldn't want the hood of your zerosuit to mess up your faux hawk. Then nobody would see you have the same haircut as...
(seriously... the second image that popped up when I Googled faux-hawk)

Honestly tho, doesn't the Portland fan look like the love child of Becks and Gumby?

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS (for not having hipster fans)

Actual Record and Stuff... (I know zzzzzzzz nobody comes here for that... yadda yadda yadda)

Portland has won only 1 game away from their famed Obi-Wan Kenobi stadium and have the second worst goals against, only second to TFC (which, if you are new here, means you are fracking horrible if you are close to TFC in anything.) Portland averages 1.72 GA per game which, if you are counting at home, means Columbus might actually score a goal or two.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

I could say a whole lot about heat, heart, the weird Alaska Airlines sponsorship, but I honestly quit caring and just want to go to Hools for a beer now.

See you at the game tomorrow.

"Majority rule, don't work in mental institutions"

Why You'd Want to Live Here

"I'm in Los Angeles today:
Garbage cans comprise the medians of freeways always creeping
even when the population's sleeping.
And I can't see why you'd want to live here."

Crew vs Gals. Tonight 10:30pm.

Completely Nonsensical Comparison Report

Overall

Yes, Los Angeles probably wins this one, what with their "best record in the league" and their "undefeated at the Home Depot Center" and what have you... but the Crew... well... the crew had a scoreless draw against San Jose on Saturday.

ADVANTAGE LA

Focus

There is a distinct possibility that with their match last week against Real Madrid and their match this weekend against Manchester City the Gals may just forget to show up. If this is the case I hope Columbus can hold it together against 11 popcorn and beer vendors for a full 90. Honestly though. These "marquee" teams in the league seem to pretend these midsummer friendlies are the goddamn UEFA cup this could bode well for Columbus as I doubt we'll be resting anyone for our game against f...ing Newcastle next Tuesday.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Fans

I doubt there will be a lot of Columbus fans making the trek to LA for this match, but I needed a reason to show this picture.


ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

... no seriously that came up on the first page of Google Images when I typed in "Los Angeles Galaxy Fans". I swear to god. If I was Landon Donovan I would have nightmares about those people. Hell. I may have nightmares about those people tonight. Come to think of it. This photo scares the crap out of me. I'm changing my mind.

ADVANTAGE LA

Not Having Weird Ass Third Jerseys

Why does LA have a sepia jersey?


Who thought this was a good idea? Was this jersey introduced on "Old Timey Photograph Night?" Seriously, did someone in the LA front office just get Photoshop this offseason and was he like "Holy crap guys, look what I can do with the second most basic filter there is!"

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

So there you have it folks. My keys to the game.

LA

Remember that you have a match tonight.
Show up for said match.
For the love of god don't look at your fans.

Columbus

Hope that LA forgets there is a match tonight.
Show up for match against LA.
For the love of god don't look at LA's fans.

"It's a lovely summer's day
and I can almost see a skyline through a thickening shroud of egos.
Is this the city of angels or demons? "

Landslide

"I've been afraid of changing because I'd built my life around you."

So the July transfer window opened. Anything interesting happen? Oh yes. We participated in the Total Failure Club's fire sale.

Here's the deal kids. I'm a huge Andy Iro fan. He plays very stingy defense and also, he's someone that always has to be marked on corners and has proven he can put the ball in the net. Two things killed him in Columbus.

1) Julius James - Duh... of course. Here's the deal number 1 would not be so potent if not for...

2) Andy Iro - Hell. If I had an employee that was so angry about where I was placing him that he considered the internet the best place to vent his frustrations... I'd probably fire him. Bobby W had no other choice. If you are that dumb that you'd vent all your "zomg, not playing again" frustrations on the Tweetwebs you should be at the "We Deserve Butter" team, because you have one thing in common. Bitching.



Not to say that I'm mad at Andy... or that I even dislike Andy. Got to spend a few minutes with him in the Nordecke on Saturday before he shipped off for Baja Vermont. My point to this entire thing is pretty simple.

You... can I speak to you for just a second?


...


...


...


...

We good?

...


...

...

...

Cool...

...

JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE. We're three points out of leading the eastern conference! IN A REBUILDING YEAR... and we're calling for the coach to get fired?

Leandre Griffit is a good player, but he obviously wasn't fitting in as he wasn't playing at all. Iro is a great guy and a great player and I wish him luck, but we have been spoiled damn rotten by '08 and '09. We still have a damn good team that needs to hit their stride. I hope this team decides to do it a bit closer to the playoffs than the post '08 teams have. I know it's awfully Columbus to say that the sky is falling every time it starts to rain, but seriously. Chill.

For Andy and Leandre good luck in your future gigs after Toronto's next coach fires you in August.

"when it's all said and done
it's real and it's been fun
but was it all REAL fun?"