Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle

"My favorite patient, a display of patience,
Disease-covered Puget Sound
She'll come back as fire, And burn all the liars,
leave a blanket of ash on the ground"

I don't really know why I hate Seattle as much as I do. I shouldn't. Maybe it's the fact that they are cheaters, yes... cheaters, maybe it's Drew Carey, who I've always kind of disliked (honestly the only funny part of that show was Craig Ferguson) or maybe, as I've stated in a previous blog, it's the insistence by their fan base that they were all HUGE USL Sounders fans yet logic, the actual numbers and common sense calls bullshit on that one pretty quick.

Here's the deal. When I was in sixth grade a bunch of kids that I went to school with overnight became HUGE Florida Marlins fans. Why? Because they had a genuine interest in the Miami metropolitan area? No. Because news of Major League Baseballs first expansion teams in our lifetime was all over ESPN. It was shiny. It was new. They wanted to be a part of it. Seattle, and to a lesser extent, Toronto and Portland are very similar to this. Shiny new toys that people haven't quite figured out yet.


Not enough time to do a match preview so instead I'll leave you with this. The Florida Marlins.

"It's so relieving
To know that you're leaving as soon as you get paid"

The Good Life

"Excuse the bitching
I shouldn’t complain
I should have no feeling
Cos feeling is pain"

So I was looking at Matt's season by season comparison and I have to say, I like where the end of this year is going. Two and a half months left in the season and we have more points than '08 and '09. This works for me. I know. I know. "But Jericho, boo hoo, LA, Seattle, Dallas and Colorado are ahead of us!!! Whatever will we do?"

Let me drop this nugget on you.

No Champions League participant has made it to MLS cup in the year after they qualified for Champions League. Ever.

LA and Colorado will play at least 6 additional games this year. Between Seattle and Dallas one team will play 7 additional games and one will play 8. (Open cup) Oh and I guess Toronto will play 6 more games as well. Nothing to hurt there, but their readiness for golf in November.

My point is this. We were "penalized" for our success in '08 and '09 by having all this extra fixture congestion. While I love as many games as possible and certainly want Columbus in the Champions League as often as possible, it's nice to know our guys will be more rested for the playoffs than the 4 teams currently above us in the table.

Without any further ado.

My postponed match preview...

hahaha get it... the match was postponed... so... I... wrote this late.

Yeah, that's it.

THE BATTLE FOR THE EAST aka THE BATTLE FOR FIFTH PLACE aka Columbus vs Philly.

FANS

Seriously guys. Doop is not a word. Also, nobody gets it besides you. You know what we call people who have a joke that only they get and it's their joke and nobody else will ever understand it? Andy Kauffman. Or... if we're pretty sure that the joke is stupid, as is the case with Philly's fans we call them batshit insane.



Also, for people who are Futurama fans. It just makes me think you all are secretly Red Bull fans.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Before I go to the next thing though I need to have a word with Philly Fan. Thank you for not being as douchy as Toronto fan, Vancouver fan, Portland fan and especially Seattle fan. Everyone in the league appreciates that. Even if 90% of what you say sounds like gibberish.

HISTORY

There's only a few teams that I can say this about so I figure I'll get this dig in.

You've never beat Columbus. I think it's just Philly, Toronto and Vancouver that are in that elite club, but it's still pretty awesome.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

RULES

Jesus, there are a lot of rules on the Philly supporters pages. Although the one that intrigued me is that if you sell tickets to someone on Stubhub and they say you didn't tell them about all their rules you can get thrown out of the cool kids club. Well... that is what American supporters sections are all about. Having so many rules it stops being fun.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

So there you go. Wow... I had a lot more things to say, but at this point the match is only 4 and a half hours away and I'm not even drunk yet.

Cheers and go Crew.

"I ain’t gonna hurt nobody
Ain’t gonna cause a scene
Just need to admit
That I want sugar in my tea
Hear me I want sugar in my tea!"

Be Massive, Eat Fresh

Subway is partially forgiven for giving me food poisoning last year by having their employees wear Crew shirts on game days. Waiting at the Subway for people to get their food for the tailgate.

Welcome home.

For the first time in 2 weeks the hsh club is open... Get in here and spend money!

Dear Crazy Mary

Memo to the crazy racist old lady outside of Hooligans.  You are the problem not the solution.  If your complaint is that Hooligans causes too much traffic in this neighbourhood I wonder what you think about Ohio State.

Also if you want people to listen to you don't say "im not trying to be racist..." And then say something really racist.

The calm before the storm.

If there's one thing Columbus does not have, it would be a lack of horrible rundown motels.  The motel I currently sit outside of is certainly one of them.   I half expect the cast of Law and Order Criminal Intent to jump in front of my car and question me about the dead hooker they just found upstairs.

Yes.  This is how my match day is starting.  Sitting in my car waiting for my buddy to finish showering so we can go get drunk.

On a completely unrelated note. Raising Canes has some pretty good chicken. Not a huge fan of their fries, but the chicken is spot on.

... and now for something completely different.

Today, absolutely no game preview. Instead, I will be live-blogging the entire pre-game from my phone. Come find me at Hooligans then at the tailgate to be part of the action.

Rocky Mountain High

"It's Colorado rocky mountain high

I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
Friends around the campfire and everybody's high
Rocky mountain high"

They won the MLS cup last year. They knocked us out of the playoffs. They currently sit in 4th place in the west and have as many points as Columbus. Only one question can be asked about this Colorado Rapids team.


Why do I always forget that they exist?


Seriously. I can't be the only one. Back me up here kids. The Colorado Rapids and the San Jose Earthquakes are the "meh" game of the schedule every year. I'm happy that the matches exist. I'm happy that we get the additional matches in the regular season, but this Colorado team... extremely forgettable.

So with that here's...

MY WHY DO WE CARE MATCH PREVIEW.

Attendance at MLS Cup that you Won

Well this one is hard. Wasn't there like 28 people at last year's MLS Cup in the "Soccer Capital of the World"? In fact the actual attendance was so horrible for the Colorado v Dallas final the league considered changing the playoff format so this would never happen again. While on the other hand the 2008 MLS cup...


ADVANTAGE CREW

So I don't want to do an entire blog on attendance smack. That's like a Toronto fan doing a blog on proper spelling or punctuation. Or a Seattle fan doing a blog on how incest is wrong. Or a Chicago fan writing something on the advantages of literacy.

Instead...

Color of Jersey


Brown? It seriously looks like you are going to a board meeting, not about to play in a soccer match. I think this might be the other culprit right there. I don't realize that they are a soccer team when they are out playing against us.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Head to Head Coaching Record

WHAT??? He's doing something related to the actual game? (Yeah, I know. I promised not to bring any sort of real content up in here, but I'm going to be late for work if I don't wrap this up and Colorado is so not top of mind for me I honestly can't think of ways to make fun of them).

Robert Warzycha vs. COL: P5 W3 L1 D1 … Gary Smith vs. CLB: P5 W1 L3 D1

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

I think we've got these three points in the bag kids.

FYI, due to the issues going on with Hooligans (which I will write about more this week) HSH is watching the game tonight at Hendoc's. Come out and have a beer.