Friday, May 31, 2013

Missed Me?

Yeah, sorry about the abrupt exit.  I'm over writing stuff at now.  I also host the podcast every Monday.  I don't want to take this site down.  Think of this as the place I'm going to stick all the stuff that I can't write on Massive Report.

In case I don't see you... good afternoon, good evening and good night.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

It's Time

So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit
Right to the top
Don't hold back
-Imagine Dragons

At the risk of sounding hyperbolic tonight's match may be the most important match so far of the Crew's season.  I read a lot of Sports Club Stats.  All of the winning percentage stats contained herein are directly from this website.  It's a website that does all of the hard math that I don't have the patience for and spits out probabilities that show whether teams will or will not make the post season.  It's a website that's on my weekly reading list during the season, and if you are looking for a real snapshot of how the club is doing, it should be on yours as well.

Here's what we know as of this point.  Before this weekend's matches started the Crew had a 24.1% chance of making the playoffs.  I'll break down the east in a bit here, but at first glance that is a stark number.  Our current magic number is 30 points.  Due to Columbus' games in hand we still have some opportunity to guide ourselves in to the playoffs without any help from outside sources.  59 points will do it.  It doesn't lock up a specific seed (although the odds heavily favor not participating in the play-in match between 4th and 5th if Columbus finishes with 55 points or more), but it gets us in.

So far, this weekend's results haven't been kind to us.  Kansas City defeating Toronto dropped us another 0.4%.  Montreal's win over San Jose dropped us 0.5% and Chicago hurt us the most by beating New England dropping us 2.3%.

This puts the current chance of the Crew making the playoffs at roughly 20.9%.  Is there any question why this match is important?

As I'm writing this the Union are up on Untied by a score of 1-0 if a Union win holds that reverses our fortunes by 2.9% in the positive column.  Also tonight's Red Bull v Timbers match could help us as well.  If the Timbers win our chances increase by 2.1%.

As you may have guessed the biggest impact in our playoff chances is not results achieved by other teams, but instead our own results.  The entire point to this, and my reasoning for the importance of tonight's match, is that a win over Houston will increase our playoff chances by 16%.  A draw, this late in the season, barely moves the needle.  Compare that to our fixture against abysmal Toronto midweek.  Yes, it's important to pick up points, but as Toronto is all but mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, it has nowhere near the importance of tonight's match.  A win against Toronto will only increase our chance of making the playoffs 5.8% and drawing Toronto actually would decrease our chance of making the playoffs.

What's the point of all this, you might ask.  Well, lets take a look at the magic numbers for the east.

Club Current Points Total Points Needed to Lock Playoff Spot  Magic Number
1 Sporting 46 59 13
2 Red Bull 41 59 18*
3 F*re 41 59 18
4 Dynamo 40 59 19*
5 L'Impact 36                   N/A                   N/A
6 United 36 59 23
7 Crew 29 59 30
8 Union 26 57 31
9 Revs 23 56 33**
10 TFC 20                   N/A                   N/A

*There is a potential for NYRB and Houston to lock a playoff spot with only 58 points, but NYRB would have to finish 4-5-1 and Houston would have to finish 4-6-0.  This would reduce their magic numbers by 1 however since there are other records which would cause them to not lock their playoff spots I have set their magic numbers to the lowest possible point total where the way you get there does not factor.

** The Revs MUST win out the remainder of their schedule to accomplish this.

Currently two teams in the east can not make the playoffs based on just winning.  Montreal, due to the fact they've played so many more matches than the other teams in the division (27) and Toronto, due to their horrible start this year.

The schedule both helps and hurts the Crew going in to the home stretch.  The Crew play one more Western Conference team (Chivas) which can help to gain points, but will do nothing to hinder a conference opponent.  There are six matches against teams that are currently above the Crew in the standings.  The remaining six matches are against teams ranked lower.  The fact that there are only three teams lower in the standings than Columbus and they get to play them the same amount of times as the six teams ranked higher is nothing but helpful.  If you add to that the fact that Montreal has a lower PPG than Columbus that actually throws another match in to the "Teams We Play that are Worse Than Us" category.

What is my point here?  I'm a data nerd... and this game is damn important.  This match is the lynchpin for the remainder of the Crew season and could help ultimately determine if the club makes the playoffs or not.  Losing this match would drop the team's chances to make the playoffs in to the teens.  Hoping for three full points tonight.  Lets see what happens at 9.

The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top
Don't look back

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


I wanna be the knife that cuts into my hand 
and I wanna be scattered from here in this catapult 
What a big baby won't somebody save me please 
You won't find nobody home

You're going to find a Kirk Urso tribute on every other Crew blog you look at this weekJesus.  I can't compete with that. Nor will I try.  Kirk, from all that I've read (I never met the man) was a stand up guy.  I have no reason to take any of that at anything but face value.  The tributes coming in for this kid are a who's who of soccer folk.  I won't even make fun of Jack Jewsbury due to this.  Jack gets the rest of the season off from me talking crap about him for this.  I don't care why he did it.  That's class and I will respect that class.

I apologize to my regular readers if you expected to come in to this post finding a feeble attempt at humor as is my normal style.  I just can't do it tonight.  I fully expected tonight to be on the Massive Report Podcast tonight trying to inject some comedic relief where appropriate as is my normal thing, but I can't even feign that tonight.  Tonight, just as the last two nights have been, is awful. 

I love this town.  This is my adopted hometown.  I'm not from here.  I'm from Fort Wayne, Indiana.  My family lives there.  I love them to death.  My FAMILY lives here.  

Someone who is near and dear to members of my family is gone.  He didn't know me.  A lot of those guys don't know me.  Whether it's right or not I care about their well being.  This kid died.  This kid cheesing with a cat is dead. 

I work with a lot of amazing people.  Those folks whom I saw today know me as "one of the two Crew fans in the department".  I had Monday scheduled off.  The only thing they wanted to know from me today was my thoughts on the kid from the Crew that died.

I tried to hold my tongue.  I really did.  I know a lot of people in the medical profession.  I also have had rudimentary training in CPR as a camp counselor as a kid.  NONE OF MY TRAINING STATED TO WALK A PERSON WHO WAS IN ARREST AWAY TO ANOTHER LOCATION.

The interview that 10TV did started with the bouncer stating "I was just walking to the back, I was dong a routine cleaning check... so I went over there just to see how he was doing, you don't have to be a doctor to tell if someone is breathing or not."  To me that says one thing.  He wasn't breathing.  At that point we don't know what happened.  All we know is Kirk ended up on a stoop on the other side of Park Street near the Greek Orthodox Church.  That's weird.  My first aid training said nothing about removing a person who was not breathing to a place away from my place of employment.  In fact it stated the same thing as all of these web pages stated.  START DOING CPR.

I don't blame this bouncer that worked for Park Street Patio for Kirk's death.  Please don't take it that way.  I do however think this is a lesson that unfortunately had to be tragically learned by the greater community.  Don't wait to call medical professionals when someone is in trouble. 

I've said this before.  We're Columbus.  We're better because we take care of each other.  This may be my own idealistic representation of what our community is, but it's what I've seen before and plan on seeing again from our community.  Don't assume one of our brothers or sisters will be ok.  Take action.  Help your family out.

This Saturday we will mourn one of our own.  Someone who most of us never had the pleasure of meeting.  We have already mourned him privately, some with tears, some with questions, some with quiet thoughtfulness.  All correct.  Saturday let's mourn him with a thunderclap.  Not to impress others... not for the selfish reasons that may boil up in our most weak moments.   Let us mourn him with the respect we should pay a family member.

Let the whole damn world know he will not be forgotten.

I wanna be the light that burns out your eyes

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Crew v DC Live Blog

We're live blogging the Crew v DC match tonight. Why? For the lulz, and yes Virginia, there will be a drinking game. See you at 7:30.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Olde English 800

O, L, D, E,

E, N, G,
L, I, S, H,
Eight hundred,
Now I feel a whole lot better about myself
O, L, D, E,
E, N, G,
L, I, S, H,
Eight hundred,
Now I feel a whole lot better about myself

You're charcoal filtered,

Sun yellow malt liquor,
You make my grey skies blue
I drink it daily,
As my liver's failing,
But I don't give a ....,
Olde English I'm in love with you
So we're going to do something that I think is pretty fun tonight.  This blog, unknowingly in coordination with much more professional blogs called Massive Report and MLS UK will do the most professional thing possible.  Participate in my drinking game.

Here's the thing.  I'm going to tell you the worst kept secret ever.  I grew up a Montreal Expos fan.  Yeah... seriously I did.  So what do I wish upon a city that stopped following my favorite team due to a silly strike (THAT COST THEM THE D..N WORLD FREAKING SERIES!!!!!)  <alright... breathe> I wish them defeat.  That's pretty much it.  Yeah, they're Canadians, but they're French Canadians which means something... I think... but I'm not sure what.  Well, some of them speak French.  Why am I bringing up the fact that I used to be an Expos fan?  I have a bit of a unique position for Montreal in my heart.  In baseball I wanted them to win... in soccer I want them to take 5 years to beat us just like TFC did.

The drinking game you ask?  Yep.  We're doing that.  Except this time we're doing it live.

You can check it out here.

Or you can check it out on MLS UK or Massive Report.

Either way you slice it it's going to be Jonathan Smith (Smitty), me and Danny Bidmead breaking the game down live for you from both sides of the pond and drinking ourselves blue in the face.  So it should be fun.  Also if you happen to be in the Columbus metro area the live blog will be going on at Hendocs and  I'll be going with some much more prominent Crew bloggers to Ace of Cups afterward to drink even more... so join us!

Until then... the Crew vs Montreal drinking game!

1 Drink



Goal Kicks


2 Drinks

The video doesn't match what's being talked about on the screen.

Something is said in French

Something French is mispronounced

3 Drinks

Yellow Card

Everyone at BBR is mentioned (The horrible bar that the Crew is doing their bar crawl at tonight.  I'm sorry if you call yourself a "Rock Bar" you should not have a picture of Kid Rock up anywhere unless you are trying to be ironic.)

The Montreal Expos/Canadians are Mentioned

The fact Montreal's attendance went down after opening their brand new stadium is mentioned.

Duncan talks about this drinking game.

1 Shot that you like

Crew Goal (to reward you)

1 Shot that you hate

Montreal Goal (to punish you)

That's about it kids.  We'll add more as we go and we'll have more than just goofy drinking games.  See you tomorrow!

Friday, June 15, 2012

40 oz to Freedom

And the answers always waiting at the liquor store, 40 oz to Freedom,
So I'll take that walk. 

So I know I haven't posted in a while so I thought, to myself... "Self, you know what would get be back in to posting more?"  I didn't reply because I'm not a schizophrenic.  I then continued, because, well we need to get this show on the road.  "A Crew vs Revs drinking game!"

The New England Revolution (or as most of us put it Robert Kraft's tax deduction,) have been Columbus' whipping boy for years now.  It fits that Columbus fans will have to find something to do during this game to keep themselves entertained  (other than count the painted on throwball lines that have no business being on the field during June.)  Oh, also I got bored today at work so some of hte suggestions are crowd-sourced.  Without any further ado... here's the Counter-Revolution Drinking Game!

1 Drink

The match starts.

The Fort (Which apparently is the name of the supporters section in New England) is shown.

Tom Brady's name is mentioned.

Duncan Oughton says something that nobody outside of New Zealand would understand. 

 Dwight Burgess mispronounces Andy Gruenebaum's last name... or Duncan Oughton mispronounces Andy's last name.  Or nobody actually knows how his last name is pronounced because he is such a nice guy he never corrects anyone.

Somebody mentions the turf surface.

A random New England player is shown during the coverage because FSOH didn't send their own camera crew to the match.

every failed pass.. drink.

Whenever someone makes a "revolution" pun on twitter, drink a Sam Adams & punch yourself.

2 Drinks

Take a double shot each time the commentators mention Jay Heaps played basketball at Duke.

Take 2 drinks if there are more than 20 people in "The Fort"

Any Cheers reference.

Any reference to Tea Parties, Boston Massacres or Mitt Romney.

If Steve Abreu made an awesome tifo and it's on camera.

 3 Drinks

Take 3 drinks if there are more than 30 people in "The Fort"

Every time Jay Heaps gets elbowed in the face by a player.

Every time the New England Patriots are mentioned after the third mention.

Take three drinks just because it was Duncan's birthday this week! - Take 35 if he mentions that you should play this drinking game due to his birthday! (HINT HINT DUNCAN!)

Every yellow card.

4 Drinks

Take 4 drinks if "The Fort" is full.

If you see a Crew fan you know personally celebrating a goal.

Every red card.

If the weird, tarped off part of the stadium is shown.


Any Crew hat trick.

 Every time the Revolution are called "The Buffalo Bills of Major League Soccer".

Pitch invasion.

If more than 12,000 people show up to this match.

Enjoy the match!