Build a Brand Workshop or... How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Empty Seats

This post begins a study on the Crew and the MLS brand and what the Crew can do to right the ship. Comments are encouraged as this is meant to be a positive exercise and examination on not only what the front office can do, but also what the fan base can do to right the ship.



When they announced the “Dare to be Massive” campaign I applauded. I thought it was the right thing to do. Then again, who isn’t in favor of a sports team they like selling more season tickets? I mean, seriously it’s not that hard of a proposition to get behind. Then I saw this video on Massive Report.

Setting aside the usual lip service you’d get from any commissioner of any league when he is being interviewed by ANYONE and the weird guy in the blue shirt that keeps looking in the camera, there were a few takeaways I got from this video that make me very nervous. Garber stated “Our goal here today is to try to get the mojo back. To try to re-kindle some of that success and passion that existed in the corporate community and season ticket community and getting back to being the leader that this team had been many times in it’s 16 year history.”

It’s no secret to anyone with an Internet connection and 30 seconds on their hands that the Crew haven’t been drawing well at the box office. Since the opening of Crew Stadium in 1999 there have only been four years in which the team’s attendance increased from the previous years. Only one time was the increase larger than 500 fans per game. We’ve got trouble folks. Right here in the capital city. Don has found much prettier girls to take to the prom and something needs to be done quickly.

Last season Columbus finished 17th out of 18 teams in average attendance. Folks, New England averaged over a thousand fans MORE per game than Columbus. NEW friggin ENGLAND. Honestly the only reason we wern’t in last place is because San Jose’s stadium only holds 10 thousand.

The issue, and my concern is this. A loose translation from the “Google: Corporate to English” translation tool reveals what the commissioner actually said in the Massive Report interview.

Our goal here today is to try to get the mojo back. - “Seriously guys, what the hell? 12 thousand fans a game? I got more people than that to my kid’s birthday party and we charged 10 bucks for parking too.”

To try to re-kindle some of that success and passion that existed in the corporate community and season ticket community - “Come on, show up to games! Nobody is going to want to slap their logo on a jersey if you can’t even fill your damn supporters section!... Yes, yes I know New England can’t fill theirs either, but we promised the guys from UHC Patriots season tickets.”

getting back to being the leader that this team had been many times in it’s 16 year history - “Guys, Detroit wants a team, Orlando wants a team, Ottawa wants a team, I want a team in New York. At some point this league will stop expanding. When that happens and large stacks of money start being waived in Clark Hunt’s face what will the counter offer be?”

I can tell you if that counter offer is 12 thousand fans a game, this team will be gone faster than you can say Baltimore Colts.




So why is the Crew drawing so poorly? Yes, factors such as the weather may have come in to play, but it was sunny and 71 on a Sunday afternoon when we played Chicago in June and we only drew 13,498. This is a game when school is out, against (arguably) our biggest rival and we couldn’t even get the stadium to ¾ full.

Why are people not showing up? The Crew were winning games at that point (the team only had three losses at this point in the season, all of which were away). To find out lets look back even further.

Before the expansion era in MLS (pre 2005) Columbus had finished above the league average attendance every year except one (1998, the last year at the shoe). After the expansion era started Columbus has finished below the league average every single year.


Lets look at what MLS was promoting in 1999.

Lets now look at a commercial from 2010.


What is the difference between these two spots? For that matter, what is the difference between Major League Soccer’s branding pre-expansion era and post-expansion era? Night and day. There is a message in what they are currently putting forward. The league has created a brand that it wants to be associated with and it is feeding that image in everything it does.

2007

2007

2011

I understand that a few of these videos aren’t produced by MLS, but that’s not the point. The MLS brand is excitement, participation and a sense an organic community of ownership with their fans. This is what the league has become. If you look at every team that drew over 18 thousand fans last year you see the exact same thing. These teams have embraced the MLS brand and are running with it.

I hate mentioning teams like Portland and Seattle, so for this exercise I will not. Instead I will look to the east. Philadelphia has embraced the culture of it’s supporters. Heck, half the reason Philadelphia even has a franchise is due to it’s supporters so why wouldn’t you? They have done an amazing job at two things. First and foremost they feature the Sons of Ben in the majority of their advertisements. An example of which is right here.

Secondly, they keep the Sons of Ben the hell away from the families. Obviously Crew Stadium was built well before the advent of segregated supporters sections in the USA, but in Philly’s case, having a newer stadium is rather helpful. There are only two access points to the walkway behind the supporters area. This helps the locals who are bringing grandma and grandpa to their first match to know where to go and where to steer clear from.

The Union, as well as other teams have done something that the Crew have attempted to, but have not succeeded at doing. This was an amazing start. However, when it is followed up with this it becomes deeply troubling. If you Google the phrase “Black out the Galaxy” EVERY link except the last that comes up on the first page takes you to thecrew.com or another Crew related website. That’s sad considering there’s a name of another team in the thing that I just Googled and the word Columbus or the word Crew are not in there.

Also if you look at our promotional schedule it includes days such as “Silence the Sounders” and “Put out the Fire”. I know, I sound like a broken record as I’ve obviously already stated this before, but if you are marketing the away team as the primary message of your advertisement you are not building your brand, you are building theirs. Promoting the Galaxy in Crew advertisements does one thing. It states to the Columbus marketplace that you believe the Galaxy are a superior product and thus will help your bottom line if you market them more than your own product. This is a dangerous precedent and unfortunately has been going on for five years.

So what do the Crew need to do to? There’s a number of things. First and foremost shore up the brand. Provide on-point messaging to the people of Columbus and pull themselves out of the fourth place in the mindset of the Columbus sports community. Secondly, deliver on the promise that you have set up with your branding. Third, develop your fan base from a local fan base in to a regional fan base.

This has to happen. It’s not really optional anymore. If you look at teams such as Toronto FC they already have pockets of supporters as far away as Detroit. The Columbus Crew must evolve and grow as a brand and they must do it in 2012. In the next few posts I will examine each one of these steps and provide ideas and a pathway to get there. I believe “Dare to Be Massive” was an amazing start. I believe this club can do it, but if it’s just the employees of this club this mission will fail. This fan base must take a more active role in the ownership of this brand and must propel it to the next level.

When Crew Stadium opened in 1999 the team jumped from an average attendance of 12,274 to 17,696. This was an increase of 5,422 fans per game. Last year Columbus averaged 12,185. With the “Dare to be Massive” campaign my sources tell me that we have eclipsed last year’s season ticket figure already and it isn’t even 2012. This is a great start. This is a crossroads for the Crew and the Crew’s fan base. This can be the team that pulled itself up by the bootstraps and showed why it is the hardest working team in America or it can be the team that faded to black.

#ocCREWpyChicago

I've been sick as hell the last few weeks so not posting much. I will just leave you in the capable hands of guest blogger this week Jim Irizarry from Varsity Thoughts on a JV World whilst I go and get caught up on my drinking.

Before I go... Seriously. Guys. I'm scared. Apparently some Chicago fans are wizards.

Now without further delay. Something completely different.

...

Hi. This is Jim. Stuff gonna's happen during the game. Goals will be scored. Penalties will be called. We'll probably see someone flop on the ground because that's what the Fire is known for (I think). All I know is that, right now, someone in this room just admitted to liking "Don't Mess with the Zohan." I think I need new friends. Final score, 3-1, Crew.

Rewrite

"I'm working on my rewrite, that's right
I'm gonna change the ending
Gonna throw away my title
And toss it in the trash"

-Paul Simon

I was so excited about the Crew's new "Dare to be Massive" campaign. The idea of working to get the season ticket base back up to 10,000 is an important step for the club and honestly is very overdue.

I said I was excited. Then someone decided to go and shit all over it. Honestly this article just re-hashes the same lame excuses that I've heard from everyone as to why the Crew aren't moving tickets. There was something that I found interesting in the article however. This quote:

“The Buckeyes dominate the sports landscape. They dominate the media and they extract a significant amount of resources from a small market,” (Mark) McCullers said. “If fans say we’re not marketing enough, it’s because we have a hard time getting a lot of attention because of the Buckeyes’ dominance. We spend just as much, or more, than most MLS teams in their markets.”

There's the key word there. SPEND. In case you didn't get the memo traditional advertising doesn't work anymore. That money that you are spending to advertise on the radio, buy billboards, put spots on TV? Why not just set it on fire? It would generate about the same amount of revenue.

Mr. McCullers. I beg of you to buy the following books.

Punk Marketing.

Creating Customer Evangelists

There is a reason the Dallas Mavericks attendance doubled under Mark Cuban. It had nothing to do with winning and it had nothing to do with giving away tickets on the radio.

It also probably didn't have to do with putting all of their advertising money in to promoting the AWAY TEAM.



Honestly. Kudos to the Crew for selling out the game tonight against LA, but I don't believe that the above promotion had anything to do with it at all.

Silence the Sounders?
Black out the Galaxy?
"It's Vancouver's first trip here so lets give them a not so warm welcome."

How do any of these tag lines convey what to expect at a game? What do any of these tag lines say about the Crew? What does a casual fan think when he or she reads/hears/sees these tag lines?

Direct quote from a friend of mine who is a 1 to 2 game a year attendee, but not someone who follows the team.

"Are the Crew so bad this year they have to promote the away team to get people to show up?"

That is the brand that these "marketing" messages are cultivating. The team is so horrible that nothing good can be said so the away team is the most marketable feature of this game.

This is the brand that the Crew have established for themselves.

Fortunately I don't believe it's too late to change this.

A few things right off the bat. Re-work the sponsorship booklet. Page 5 shows the Crew doing an appearance at a Home Depot. The only people there are the people working the booth. There are NO FANS in this picture. I've been to events where fans have actually showed up. Maybe next time someone could bring a camera? Also on pages 2 and 3 eliminate the pictures where you can see huge rows of empty seats. Why would anyone pay to sponsor a team when the materials that you distribute can't even show the best results?

Find a brand. "Work Hard. Play Harder." just doesn't say anything. Also it's not being paid attention to in the marketplace or there would be more awareness of the team. Pick something shorter that generates excitement.

STOP MARKETING THE DAMN AWAY TEAM. It's much easier to establish one really good brand than establish 17 temporary brands. Also when you focus your effort on branding the away team you give the casual fans nothing to hang their hat on.

On a related note... stop putting a large portion of your media spend on marketing the one game a year that sells out and instead focus on the other 16 home games.

Stop wasting money. When putting together next year's advertising budget take the money you were going to waste on television and radio and use it to hire someone who understands Guerrilla marketing.

This can be fixed, but it must start now.

"Every minute after midnight
All the time I'm spending
Is just for working on my rewrite, that's right
I'm gonna turn it into cash"

Oh... Canada.

"They've got trees, and mooses, and sled dogs,

Lots of lumber, and lumberjacks, and logs!
We all think it's kind of a drag,
That you have to go there to get milk in a bag.
They say "eh?" instead of "what?" or "duh?"
That's the mighty power of Canada."

It's weird. I don't want to be that guy that just rants at other bloggers. I really don't want to be. I had something written for tonight that was completely different than what I'm about to post. I felt good about it. Then I saw this. It was so insurmountably stupid I had to respond.

Ben... Can I call you Ben? Ok awesome. Meet me over at the right side of the page.

Have you been smoking crack? Just the fact that you have to write this sort of nonsense negates your point. May I present my bevy of counterpoints in silly blog link form? Also... this is my favorite. I honestly don't get it. Is it the hipster thing to do to talk on the internet about how much you "don't care" about tomorrows match? Tomorrow's match is on my calendar. I'm much more excited about tomorrow's match than Wednesday's against Houston. Do you want to know why? The Crew have lost to Houston at one point.

It seems awfully convenient that every time the Total Failure Club gets close to being eliminated from the playoffs the fan base begins to switch the story. Have you kids considered a career in politics? Oh look. Toronto has a 0.00539% chance of making the playoffs. So now we have to deal with this crap again. Listen. We told you that we thought you were nice, but didn't want anything serious after we took you to prom. Would you quit blogging about how over us you are and just admit you fracking hate us?

I get why you would write something like this. Toronto quit being the flavor of the month when Seattle came along. They moved even further down the food chain when Portland came along. Toronto fans thrive on one thing. Attention. You are now a third place team as far as attention goes and a last place team as far as skill goes. Don Garber got a new shiny toy. It's called the Cascadia Cup and now nobody cares about poor ol' Toronto.

Here's a tip from someone who's been around the block a few times. Start caring about what happens on the pitch and less about who sees you put up what banner or who hates/loves/doesn't care about who.

On an unrelated note, I had a great laugh with the whole we didn't piss on a church fence thing your folks bring up in your comments section. Umm... your buddies whipped their junk out in front of a road. It's an actual public road not an access road. It happened.

Anyway, sorry for all of you that had to sit through that, but I get sick and tired of Toronto fans acting like some sort of scorned 17 year old girl. "Oh my God. We have so much fan support!!!!" Well... your product is horrible and your fans act like 12 year old douche bags whenever they travel. Oh boo hoo. The Columbus police wouldn't let us light shit on fire and throw it on the pitch. Sob sob... we can't break the benches at Crew Stadium! If we aren't allowed to get drunk and break a lot of laws then get on our bus and go home we aren't coming back! Seriously. Good riddance.

It just rubs me the wrong way when I can't even read about tomorrows match without some Toronto fan trying to prove to me "how little he cares about Columbus." If you don't care about Columbus... DON'T WRITE ABOUT COLUMBUS!

I'd normally do one of my dumb match previews here, but I would rather go get sushi.

One last thing... the Vegas odds have nothing on the match tomorrow, but there is an estimate that at least two Toronto fans will end up acting stupid enough to get tased.

"Don´t fret precious I´m here, step away from the window
Go back to sleep
Safe from pain and truth and choice and other poison devils,"

A Response to a Conversation not Directed at Me.

"You don't use words like that. Saint Louise is listening."

I love reading soccer blogs. Seriously, I do. Some of my favorites, Pitch Fest, MLSUK (although the Seattle kid seems like a twat), Massive Report, Soccer By Ives, etc etc. So I'm always excited to see a new soccer blog come on the scene. I'm especially excited when it's different. So I was actually pretty excited by the premise of Football Not Soccer, a new blog by an English kid who has decided (according to his blog) that he is going to become an MLS fan.

Well. Not quite an MLS fan. He's decided to become a TFC fan. For all reasons due to it being the closest bad team to him. (Honestly though the Red Bulls are pretty horrible and last time I checked Boston is way closer to Sheffield than Toronto is). At least he has realistic expectations. From his blog: "Fittingly, Toronto FC’s next game is on September 10^th away at top the table Columbus Crew. I expect them to lose."

In his second blog post he goes on to discuss the "secret garden" of the MLS. "Talking of intrigue the MLS and its brief history is crammed full of amusing little details that draw me further and further into its circus. Take my new adopted team Toronto FC. Any guesses on who scored the clubs first ever competitive goal? Why it is former Millwall and Preston striker Danny Dichio of course! It turns out Toronto FC were founded just five years ago and Dichio is now a bit of a cult hero for the clubs supporters. In fact in honour of that landmark goal Toronto fans now sing a Danny Dichio chant in the 24^th minute of every match! Major League Soccer is honestly a secret garden full of weird and wonderful football facts and I have found the way in." That's ADORABLE. I assure you here in Columbus we don't have a Thor Lee chant although I would second his nomination for the Crew Circle Of Honor (I wouldn't even mind if they put his name up in red and black) I kid... I kid... Honestly though. What is it with new supporters groups seeming so contrived? Look at TFC's support. It's like someone Google'd "How to be a Soccer Fan" and then just followed that playbook literally for 5 years. I do think that if Toronto decides to do another time sensitive chant it should be a John Carver chant during the 8th minute as he is the last Toronto coach to last a full season.

So yeah. I'm having a bit of fun. I'm honestly happy that this guy is getting in to Soccer in the US. Then I read this post. The first part deals with stadium naming rights. He seems to take issue with Dallas' Pizza Hut Park. I take issue with this too. Their pizza is total crap. Buy pie from a local shop. It's way less expensive if you find the right place and probably a thousand times better tasting. On the naming rights angle though I believe he's all wet. Maybe he's never heard of York City's Kit Kat Crescent. Granted, it's not as prevalent in jolly old England, but it exists. Also the BARCLAYS Premier League? I'm sorry, but we aren't Major League Soccer presented by Chase Bank. (Although if the check was large enough I believe Garber would roll over and take it like a champ.) If it's just offense to the fact that a Fast Food restaurant is sponsoring the venue that's just silly. It's kind of silly to talk about questionable sponsorship when a large percentage of the Premier League's teams are sponsored by gambling websites.

As for promotion and relegation which seems to be a dead horse that everyone enjoys kicking the crap out of I'll put it very mildly. The league makes a HUGE profit off of expansion fees. Portland and Vancouver both paid $40 MILLION DOLLARS to join the cool kids club this year. Seattle and Philly paid less but not as little as Toronto who got in for the pittance of $10 MILLION DOLLARS.

I'm bolding those numbers for a very specific reason. Lets listen in to a conversation taking place in an alternate reality between an American businessman (we'll call him Bob) and Don Garber.

Businessman Bob - "Thanks for meeting with me Don. I'm very excited about talking to you about bringing Major League Soccer presented by Chase Bank and co-presented by Trojan Condoms to the fine city of St. Louis!"

Don - "We'd love to have St. Louis on board. I'll just need a check for $40 MILLION DOLLARS."

Bob - "Boy howdy that sounds great. The Budweiser pitch inside Trump Casino stadium has just been finished and the Boons Farm supporters terraces will be rocking when our first Major League Soccer presented by Chase Bank and co-presented by Trojan Condoms match happens in 2014!"

Don - "Perfect. Can I get the check please? St. Louis kind of smells and I'd like to leave now."

Bob - "One quick question for you."

Don - "What is it?"

Bob - "What's this relegation nonsense that I've been hearing about the owners voting in during the off season?"

Don - "Nothing you need to worry about."

Bob - "But what is it Don?"

Don - "It just means bottom three teams have to play in the NASL the next year and 3 NASL teams get promoted to our division."

Bob - "How much do they have to pay to get in to MLS?"

Don - "Nothing"

Bob - "Oh, and... what's the success rate of expansion sides in their first season in MLS?"

Don - "In the expansion era only one team would have finished outside of the relegation zone. Seattle in 2009. Every other expansion team would have been relegated."

Bob - "So I'm paying you $40 MILLION DOLLARS for a team that may have to play in the minors in a year?"

Don - "Yes"

Bob - "Don, are you high?"

That, my friend, is why promotion and relegation will never happen in MLS. I do look forward to continuing to read your blog.

To all 5 of my regular readers match "preview" for Saturday's match against the Total Failure Club will be up in the next day or so.

Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle

"My favorite patient, a display of patience,
Disease-covered Puget Sound
She'll come back as fire, And burn all the liars,
leave a blanket of ash on the ground"

I don't really know why I hate Seattle as much as I do. I shouldn't. Maybe it's the fact that they are cheaters, yes... cheaters, maybe it's Drew Carey, who I've always kind of disliked (honestly the only funny part of that show was Craig Ferguson) or maybe, as I've stated in a previous blog, it's the insistence by their fan base that they were all HUGE USL Sounders fans yet logic, the actual numbers and common sense calls bullshit on that one pretty quick.

Here's the deal. When I was in sixth grade a bunch of kids that I went to school with overnight became HUGE Florida Marlins fans. Why? Because they had a genuine interest in the Miami metropolitan area? No. Because news of Major League Baseballs first expansion teams in our lifetime was all over ESPN. It was shiny. It was new. They wanted to be a part of it. Seattle, and to a lesser extent, Toronto and Portland are very similar to this. Shiny new toys that people haven't quite figured out yet.


Not enough time to do a match preview so instead I'll leave you with this. The Florida Marlins.

"It's so relieving
To know that you're leaving as soon as you get paid"

The Good Life

"Excuse the bitching
I shouldn’t complain
I should have no feeling
Cos feeling is pain"

So I was looking at Matt's season by season comparison and I have to say, I like where the end of this year is going. Two and a half months left in the season and we have more points than '08 and '09. This works for me. I know. I know. "But Jericho, boo hoo, LA, Seattle, Dallas and Colorado are ahead of us!!! Whatever will we do?"

Let me drop this nugget on you.

No Champions League participant has made it to MLS cup in the year after they qualified for Champions League. Ever.

LA and Colorado will play at least 6 additional games this year. Between Seattle and Dallas one team will play 7 additional games and one will play 8. (Open cup) Oh and I guess Toronto will play 6 more games as well. Nothing to hurt there, but their readiness for golf in November.

My point is this. We were "penalized" for our success in '08 and '09 by having all this extra fixture congestion. While I love as many games as possible and certainly want Columbus in the Champions League as often as possible, it's nice to know our guys will be more rested for the playoffs than the 4 teams currently above us in the table.

Without any further ado.

My postponed match preview...

hahaha get it... the match was postponed... so... I... wrote this late.

Yeah, that's it.

THE BATTLE FOR THE EAST aka THE BATTLE FOR FIFTH PLACE aka Columbus vs Philly.

FANS

Seriously guys. Doop is not a word. Also, nobody gets it besides you. You know what we call people who have a joke that only they get and it's their joke and nobody else will ever understand it? Andy Kauffman. Or... if we're pretty sure that the joke is stupid, as is the case with Philly's fans we call them batshit insane.



Also, for people who are Futurama fans. It just makes me think you all are secretly Red Bull fans.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Before I go to the next thing though I need to have a word with Philly Fan. Thank you for not being as douchy as Toronto fan, Vancouver fan, Portland fan and especially Seattle fan. Everyone in the league appreciates that. Even if 90% of what you say sounds like gibberish.

HISTORY

There's only a few teams that I can say this about so I figure I'll get this dig in.

You've never beat Columbus. I think it's just Philly, Toronto and Vancouver that are in that elite club, but it's still pretty awesome.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

RULES

Jesus, there are a lot of rules on the Philly supporters pages. Although the one that intrigued me is that if you sell tickets to someone on Stubhub and they say you didn't tell them about all their rules you can get thrown out of the cool kids club. Well... that is what American supporters sections are all about. Having so many rules it stops being fun.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

So there you go. Wow... I had a lot more things to say, but at this point the match is only 4 and a half hours away and I'm not even drunk yet.

Cheers and go Crew.

"I ain’t gonna hurt nobody
Ain’t gonna cause a scene
Just need to admit
That I want sugar in my tea
Hear me I want sugar in my tea!"

Be Massive, Eat Fresh

Subway is partially forgiven for giving me food poisoning last year by having their employees wear Crew shirts on game days. Waiting at the Subway for people to get their food for the tailgate.

Welcome home.

For the first time in 2 weeks the hsh club is open... Get in here and spend money!

Dear Crazy Mary

Memo to the crazy racist old lady outside of Hooligans.  You are the problem not the solution.  If your complaint is that Hooligans causes too much traffic in this neighbourhood I wonder what you think about Ohio State.

Also if you want people to listen to you don't say "im not trying to be racist..." And then say something really racist.

The calm before the storm.

If there's one thing Columbus does not have, it would be a lack of horrible rundown motels.  The motel I currently sit outside of is certainly one of them.   I half expect the cast of Law and Order Criminal Intent to jump in front of my car and question me about the dead hooker they just found upstairs.

Yes.  This is how my match day is starting.  Sitting in my car waiting for my buddy to finish showering so we can go get drunk.

On a completely unrelated note. Raising Canes has some pretty good chicken. Not a huge fan of their fries, but the chicken is spot on.

... and now for something completely different.

Today, absolutely no game preview. Instead, I will be live-blogging the entire pre-game from my phone. Come find me at Hooligans then at the tailgate to be part of the action.

Rocky Mountain High

"It's Colorado rocky mountain high

I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
Friends around the campfire and everybody's high
Rocky mountain high"

They won the MLS cup last year. They knocked us out of the playoffs. They currently sit in 4th place in the west and have as many points as Columbus. Only one question can be asked about this Colorado Rapids team.


Why do I always forget that they exist?


Seriously. I can't be the only one. Back me up here kids. The Colorado Rapids and the San Jose Earthquakes are the "meh" game of the schedule every year. I'm happy that the matches exist. I'm happy that we get the additional matches in the regular season, but this Colorado team... extremely forgettable.

So with that here's...

MY WHY DO WE CARE MATCH PREVIEW.

Attendance at MLS Cup that you Won

Well this one is hard. Wasn't there like 28 people at last year's MLS Cup in the "Soccer Capital of the World"? In fact the actual attendance was so horrible for the Colorado v Dallas final the league considered changing the playoff format so this would never happen again. While on the other hand the 2008 MLS cup...


ADVANTAGE CREW

So I don't want to do an entire blog on attendance smack. That's like a Toronto fan doing a blog on proper spelling or punctuation. Or a Seattle fan doing a blog on how incest is wrong. Or a Chicago fan writing something on the advantages of literacy.

Instead...

Color of Jersey


Brown? It seriously looks like you are going to a board meeting, not about to play in a soccer match. I think this might be the other culprit right there. I don't realize that they are a soccer team when they are out playing against us.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Head to Head Coaching Record

WHAT??? He's doing something related to the actual game? (Yeah, I know. I promised not to bring any sort of real content up in here, but I'm going to be late for work if I don't wrap this up and Colorado is so not top of mind for me I honestly can't think of ways to make fun of them).

Robert Warzycha vs. COL: P5 W3 L1 D1 … Gary Smith vs. CLB: P5 W1 L3 D1

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

I think we've got these three points in the bag kids.

FYI, due to the issues going on with Hooligans (which I will write about more this week) HSH is watching the game tonight at Hendoc's. Come out and have a beer.

Donner Party (All Night)

"And I wanted you to know

It was you that we were thinking of as we quietly died in the snow
A place we'd never leave
A place we'd never want to call home"
- Alkaline Trio

First and foremost I've gotta say it's good to be recognized by somebody. Unfortunately I hate to be presented in the same forum as any fan from what I would consider a "lesser organization".

To you Seattle fans reading this I just want to make sure you are aware. I did spend a total of like ten bucks to make that as opposed to your tifos which (according to rumor and my magic 8 ball) are completely funded by your front office. Also, on an unrelated note. I'm not sure who you were claiming to "dominate for decades" in week 9. Was it a bunch of minor league teams in the standings? As we all know if the answer to that question is yes then that's pretty weak sauce. If you are talking about your US Open Cup win(s)... yeah... who doesn't have one of those? I thought Garber started handing those out when you paid your expansion fee.

On the other hand if it has something to do with attendance than that's just absolute bullshit. As we all know from what most Seattle fans would tell you they have been HUGE Sounders fans since well before MLS was started. They did however have an interesting policy. "Fans" or as Drew Carey calls them "Cash Machines" were only allowed to attend one home game per year (as to make sure there was plenty of room for any new fans). That must be how everyone in Seattle was a huge Sounders fan in 2008, but they only averaged 2,785 per game.

Also. One other thing before I get to the actual point of this Blog. To say "Domination for Decades" it would require your team to be around for over 20 years. (See kids, I don't know if this is part of the Washington Public School curriculum, but a decade lasts ten years. Saying decades would indicate you have been around for MULTIPLE ten year sets. As your current team name was resurrected in 1994 that leaves you with less than 20 consecutive years which leads me to just question your math skills.)

Oh...

Sorry.

Salt Lake is here. Did I keep you waiting long?

My Just Watched Iron Man 2 on Netflix and Probably Should be in Bed, but I Wanted to do some Sort of Preview for this Match Before I Went to Sleep and Have Promised Myself Not to Make any Mormon Jokes as I Respect as Much as I Respect Other Religions Match Preview

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

Oh... really. Just because I'm a Crew fan you thought to yourself. "He won't bring that up. He's not that much of a douchebag. Guess what chief. I am EXACTLY that much of a douchebag.

I need to address you Thecrew.com for just a second... seriously? I quote "Columbus has never won in three trips all-time to Rio Tinto Stadium in league and MLS Cup play."

It's been four trips to Sandy. We've lost 2 league matches 1 playoff match and we played some of the worst soccer I've seen in this year's Champions League tie.

This, you may remember as the game where head coach Robert Warzycha decided to show up and coach the entire game with a blood alcohol content of .15.

Ok, so not really, but it was a pretty damn piss poor game against a team that we blanked the week before at Hunt Park.

ADVANTAGE SALT LAKE

Last Regular Season Meeting at Crew Stadium

While this was the Crew's first multiple goal win against a team not from Canada or Texas...



Aww... who am I kidding. This game meant three points. Nobody in Columbus cares when we play Salt Lake in a regular season match. Ever.

Oh well, we won.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Not Having Players on the Team Who Could be Confused for Members of the Counting Crows




ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Beer

Yeah, I'm going there. I was in SLC in 2009 for the Crew away match and while I had a great time I had a hard time wrapping my head around why I couldn't buy real beer at a gas station.

I guess they have cleaned up the whole 3.2 beer thing in recent years, but just for the sins of their past.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS


So I'm looking forward to tonight's match, but will be at a home away from home tonight as part of my "buy me a beer" outreach program. Instead of viewing tonight's match at Hooligans as I normally do, I will be throwing a dart at the board and picking either Ruby's, 4th Street, Fado, Suzie Cue or wherever the Crew Bar Tour is.

Oh god. It's at Mellow Mushroom. Well strike that off the list till they understand how to handle avocado without making me want to puke. Fado would be fun, but I plan on getting good and polished for this one.

Come find me tomorrow night. It'll probably be at Ruby's or 4th.

"So we began this way, I don't recall where we got started
And so we end this way no trace of us in spring "

God Save the Queen

"God save the queen
'Cause tourists are money"

Zomg! Alert the press! We're playing a team from England!!!!!!!!!

Seriously... one of the games I have looked forward to the least in the last 4 years... and I went to the Metipan match in '08!

All this game does is fulfill a schedule requirement that we have 18 home games since we didn't make CCL. Honestly, would have taken the Richmond game in USOC over this one, but that's just me.

Here's the deal, I get sorta hyped up a few times a year to play a meaningless game against a sub par team who's country is governed by a monarch. If I don't get all that excited about the Toronto or Vancouver matches why should I get excited about a friendly against Newcastle?

So from there...

My apathetic preview for the Crew v Newcastle Match

Supporters
... really? Toon Army?

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Times Relegated

I honestly don't care that Columbus can't be relegated If the answer is more than zero I'm going with the Crew on this one.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

League Championships Since My Grandfather Graduated High School

Crew 1 - NUFC 0.

Awww... too mean? OK... fine. National open cup championships since my DAD Graduated High School.

Wait... same score? Awww... sorry guys.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Crappy Movies About Your Club

NUFC 1


Crew 0.

Jesus that movie was horrible.

ADVANTAGE CREW

Actually Caring About the Outcome of this Match

Well... neither of the teams care. That's for sure. The Crew fans just hope nobody important gets injured as we have an actual chance at hardware this season so the only reason you'd have an interest in this game is if you never get to see the team you like. Also by like I mean follow because for some reason you don't like MLS. Oh... by don't like MLS I mean that you think liking MLS will ruin your Brit-Cred.

ADVANTAGE AMERICAN NEWCASTLE FANS


Alright, I'll see you all at the match tomorrow as I have nothing better to do.

PS... you know what would be fun? If just for the hell of it the loser of this game had to go play in the MLS All Star Game. Although with as pointless as this match is I wouldn't want the losing side to have to play in an even more pointless match.

"And there is no future
In England's dreaming"

But in all seriousness Newcastle fans. I know I gave you a hard time in this post. It's kinda what I do. I do want to say something from the bottom of my heart to all the Newcastle fans making the trip from wherever you are from.


...


...


Thanks for the money.

Philadelphia

"Philly's the place where the mummers are weird and i do not think the Sixers have won
in years I begged Mayor Rendell and the cops on the beat
to have mercy on me and Jen and please blow up South Street"
-Atom and His Package

I seriously feel horrible. I remembered after getting back from the bar tonight. (BTW - only supporters owned bar in all of MLS douches.) That I realized I had written a whole Philadelphia joke and not even used it.

Last time Philly played Columbus I ran in to some Philly fans and questioned why their fan base hadn't been given the same amount of respect (read -"Garber hard ons") as the rest of the new expansion teams.

They replied with "Doop, Doop, Doop" and then started throwing nine volt batteries at my head. It was then that I remembered. Everyone from Philadelphia is a complete idiot.

See... how could I keep that from you?

Roses

"I know you'd like to thank your shit don't stank
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like poo-poo
Yeah, roses really smell like poo-poo"

It's come to it again. That time of year where Columbus takes on Don Garber's flavor of the month. It's our game against The LA Galaxy...

...

... wait what? We already played them?

... weird... TFC?... ... ...

Nope, what is it then... do we play Seattle again this week?

Well then who the... ah. Portland.

It seems like every year we seem to have this problem. If you Google "Best Fans In MLS Toronto" the first article that pops up is from 2007. Change Toronto to Portland or Seattle and you get articles published at the beginning of this season.

So who are the "best fans in MLS?" I think the better question to pose is "Who gives a Goddamn?" Clubs such as Portland, Seattle and Toronto have changed the MLS landscape to a virtual wankfest any time any MLS team is mentioned. I would post an example of a Portland vs Seattle flame war on this blog, but I honestly don't want to Google "Two Guys Jerking Off in Front of a Computer".

So without any further delay. My completely random match preview.

Opinion of Themselves

Well, you gotta give this one to Portland. Look at the Timbers Army. They certainly know how to paint and if there's one thing that will win you soccer games. It's certainly painting.

ADVANTAGE PORTLAND

Mascot

This is a hard one. I've always had a special place in my heart for Crew Cat. He may not be the most intimidating mascot in Major League Soccer. He may not have any weapons, but he is a cat in a goddamn hard hat and that's pretty awesome in my book.

On the other hand...


HOLY CRAP... SOMEBODY GAVE THE SPECIAL NEEDS KID A CHAINSAW!

Seriously. We can't have streamers, but it's perfectly fracking acceptable to fire up a damn chainsaw during the run of play? I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one.

ADVANTAGE PORTLAND


Hipster Fans


Certainly you wouldn't want the hood of your zerosuit to mess up your faux hawk. Then nobody would see you have the same haircut as...
(seriously... the second image that popped up when I Googled faux-hawk)

Honestly tho, doesn't the Portland fan look like the love child of Becks and Gumby?

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS (for not having hipster fans)

Actual Record and Stuff... (I know zzzzzzzz nobody comes here for that... yadda yadda yadda)

Portland has won only 1 game away from their famed Obi-Wan Kenobi stadium and have the second worst goals against, only second to TFC (which, if you are new here, means you are fracking horrible if you are close to TFC in anything.) Portland averages 1.72 GA per game which, if you are counting at home, means Columbus might actually score a goal or two.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

I could say a whole lot about heat, heart, the weird Alaska Airlines sponsorship, but I honestly quit caring and just want to go to Hools for a beer now.

See you at the game tomorrow.

"Majority rule, don't work in mental institutions"

Why You'd Want to Live Here

"I'm in Los Angeles today:
Garbage cans comprise the medians of freeways always creeping
even when the population's sleeping.
And I can't see why you'd want to live here."

Crew vs Gals. Tonight 10:30pm.

Completely Nonsensical Comparison Report

Overall

Yes, Los Angeles probably wins this one, what with their "best record in the league" and their "undefeated at the Home Depot Center" and what have you... but the Crew... well... the crew had a scoreless draw against San Jose on Saturday.

ADVANTAGE LA

Focus

There is a distinct possibility that with their match last week against Real Madrid and their match this weekend against Manchester City the Gals may just forget to show up. If this is the case I hope Columbus can hold it together against 11 popcorn and beer vendors for a full 90. Honestly though. These "marquee" teams in the league seem to pretend these midsummer friendlies are the goddamn UEFA cup this could bode well for Columbus as I doubt we'll be resting anyone for our game against f...ing Newcastle next Tuesday.

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

Fans

I doubt there will be a lot of Columbus fans making the trek to LA for this match, but I needed a reason to show this picture.


ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

... no seriously that came up on the first page of Google Images when I typed in "Los Angeles Galaxy Fans". I swear to god. If I was Landon Donovan I would have nightmares about those people. Hell. I may have nightmares about those people tonight. Come to think of it. This photo scares the crap out of me. I'm changing my mind.

ADVANTAGE LA

Not Having Weird Ass Third Jerseys

Why does LA have a sepia jersey?


Who thought this was a good idea? Was this jersey introduced on "Old Timey Photograph Night?" Seriously, did someone in the LA front office just get Photoshop this offseason and was he like "Holy crap guys, look what I can do with the second most basic filter there is!"

ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS

So there you have it folks. My keys to the game.

LA

Remember that you have a match tonight.
Show up for said match.
For the love of god don't look at your fans.

Columbus

Hope that LA forgets there is a match tonight.
Show up for match against LA.
For the love of god don't look at LA's fans.

"It's a lovely summer's day
and I can almost see a skyline through a thickening shroud of egos.
Is this the city of angels or demons? "

Landslide

"I've been afraid of changing because I'd built my life around you."

So the July transfer window opened. Anything interesting happen? Oh yes. We participated in the Total Failure Club's fire sale.

Here's the deal kids. I'm a huge Andy Iro fan. He plays very stingy defense and also, he's someone that always has to be marked on corners and has proven he can put the ball in the net. Two things killed him in Columbus.

1) Julius James - Duh... of course. Here's the deal number 1 would not be so potent if not for...

2) Andy Iro - Hell. If I had an employee that was so angry about where I was placing him that he considered the internet the best place to vent his frustrations... I'd probably fire him. Bobby W had no other choice. If you are that dumb that you'd vent all your "zomg, not playing again" frustrations on the Tweetwebs you should be at the "We Deserve Butter" team, because you have one thing in common. Bitching.



Not to say that I'm mad at Andy... or that I even dislike Andy. Got to spend a few minutes with him in the Nordecke on Saturday before he shipped off for Baja Vermont. My point to this entire thing is pretty simple.

You... can I speak to you for just a second?


...


...


...


...

We good?

...


...

...

...

Cool...

...

JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE. We're three points out of leading the eastern conference! IN A REBUILDING YEAR... and we're calling for the coach to get fired?

Leandre Griffit is a good player, but he obviously wasn't fitting in as he wasn't playing at all. Iro is a great guy and a great player and I wish him luck, but we have been spoiled damn rotten by '08 and '09. We still have a damn good team that needs to hit their stride. I hope this team decides to do it a bit closer to the playoffs than the post '08 teams have. I know it's awfully Columbus to say that the sky is falling every time it starts to rain, but seriously. Chill.

For Andy and Leandre good luck in your future gigs after Toronto's next coach fires you in August.

"when it's all said and done
it's real and it's been fun
but was it all REAL fun?"