"You don't use words like that. Saint Louise is listening."
I love reading soccer blogs. Seriously, I do. Some of my favorites, Pitch Fest, MLSUK (although the Seattle kid seems like a twat), Massive Report, Soccer By Ives, etc etc. So I'm always excited to see a new soccer blog come on the scene. I'm especially excited when it's different. So I was actually pretty excited by the premise of Football Not Soccer, a new blog by an English kid who has decided (according to his blog) that he is going to become an MLS fan.
Well. Not quite an MLS fan. He's decided to become a TFC fan. For all reasons due to it being the closest bad team to him. (Honestly though the Red Bulls are pretty horrible and last time I checked Boston is way closer to Sheffield than Toronto is). At least he has realistic expectations. From his blog: "Fittingly, Toronto FC’s next game is on September 10th away at top the table Columbus Crew. I expect them to lose."
In his second blog post he goes on to discuss the "secret garden" of the MLS. "Talking of intrigue the MLS and its brief history is crammed full of amusing little details that draw me further and further into its circus. Take my new adopted team Toronto FC. Any guesses on who scored the clubs first ever competitive goal? Why it is former Millwall and Preston striker Danny Dichio of course! It turns out Toronto FC were founded just five years ago and Dichio is now a bit of a cult hero for the clubs supporters. In fact in honour of that landmark goal Toronto fans now sing a Danny Dichio chant in the 24th minute of every match! Major League Soccer is honestly a secret garden full of weird and wonderful football facts and I have found the way in." That's ADORABLE. I assure you here in Columbus we don't have a Thor Lee chant although I would second his nomination for the Crew Circle Of Honor (I wouldn't even mind if they put his name up in red and black) I kid... I kid... Honestly though. What is it with new supporters groups seeming so contrived? Look at TFC's support. It's like someone Google'd "How to be a Soccer Fan" and then just followed that playbook literally for 5 years. I do think that if Toronto decides to do another time sensitive chant it should be a John Carver chant during the 8th minute as he is the last Toronto coach to last a full season.
So yeah. I'm having a bit of fun. I'm honestly happy that this guy is getting in to Soccer in the US. Then I read this post. The first part deals with stadium naming rights. He seems to take issue with Dallas' Pizza Hut Park. I take issue with this too. Their pizza is total crap. Buy pie from a local shop. It's way less expensive if you find the right place and probably a thousand times better tasting. On the naming rights angle though I believe he's all wet. Maybe he's never heard of York City's Kit Kat Crescent. Granted, it's not as prevalent in jolly old England, but it exists. Also the BARCLAYS Premier League? I'm sorry, but we aren't Major League Soccer presented by Chase Bank. (Although if the check was large enough I believe Garber would roll over and take it like a champ.) If it's just offense to the fact that a Fast Food restaurant is sponsoring the venue that's just silly. It's kind of silly to talk about questionable sponsorship when a large percentage of the Premier League's teams are sponsored by gambling websites.
As for promotion and relegation which seems to be a dead horse that everyone enjoys kicking the crap out of I'll put it very mildly. The league makes a HUGE profit off of expansion fees. Portland and Vancouver both paid $40 MILLION DOLLARS to join the cool kids club this year. Seattle and Philly paid less but not as little as Toronto who got in for the pittance of $10 MILLION DOLLARS.
I'm bolding those numbers for a very specific reason. Lets listen in to a conversation taking place in an alternate reality between an American businessman (we'll call him Bob) and Don Garber.
That, my friend, is why promotion and relegation will never happen in MLS. I do look forward to continuing to read your blog.
To all 5 of my regular readers match "preview" for Saturday's match against the Total Failure Club will be up in the next day or so.
Well. Not quite an MLS fan. He's decided to become a TFC fan. For all reasons due to it being the closest bad team to him. (Honestly though the Red Bulls are pretty horrible and last time I checked Boston is way closer to Sheffield than Toronto is). At least he has realistic expectations. From his blog: "Fittingly, Toronto FC’s next game is on September 10th away at top the table Columbus Crew. I expect them to lose."
In his second blog post he goes on to discuss the "secret garden" of the MLS. "Talking of intrigue the MLS and its brief history is crammed full of amusing little details that draw me further and further into its circus. Take my new adopted team Toronto FC. Any guesses on who scored the clubs first ever competitive goal? Why it is former Millwall and Preston striker Danny Dichio of course! It turns out Toronto FC were founded just five years ago and Dichio is now a bit of a cult hero for the clubs supporters. In fact in honour of that landmark goal Toronto fans now sing a Danny Dichio chant in the 24th minute of every match! Major League Soccer is honestly a secret garden full of weird and wonderful football facts and I have found the way in." That's ADORABLE. I assure you here in Columbus we don't have a Thor Lee chant although I would second his nomination for the Crew Circle Of Honor (I wouldn't even mind if they put his name up in red and black) I kid... I kid... Honestly though. What is it with new supporters groups seeming so contrived? Look at TFC's support. It's like someone Google'd "How to be a Soccer Fan" and then just followed that playbook literally for 5 years. I do think that if Toronto decides to do another time sensitive chant it should be a John Carver chant during the 8th minute as he is the last Toronto coach to last a full season.
So yeah. I'm having a bit of fun. I'm honestly happy that this guy is getting in to Soccer in the US. Then I read this post. The first part deals with stadium naming rights. He seems to take issue with Dallas' Pizza Hut Park. I take issue with this too. Their pizza is total crap. Buy pie from a local shop. It's way less expensive if you find the right place and probably a thousand times better tasting. On the naming rights angle though I believe he's all wet. Maybe he's never heard of York City's Kit Kat Crescent. Granted, it's not as prevalent in jolly old England, but it exists. Also the BARCLAYS Premier League? I'm sorry, but we aren't Major League Soccer presented by Chase Bank. (Although if the check was large enough I believe Garber would roll over and take it like a champ.) If it's just offense to the fact that a Fast Food restaurant is sponsoring the venue that's just silly. It's kind of silly to talk about questionable sponsorship when a large percentage of the Premier League's teams are sponsored by gambling websites.
As for promotion and relegation which seems to be a dead horse that everyone enjoys kicking the crap out of I'll put it very mildly. The league makes a HUGE profit off of expansion fees. Portland and Vancouver both paid $40 MILLION DOLLARS to join the cool kids club this year. Seattle and Philly paid less but not as little as Toronto who got in for the pittance of $10 MILLION DOLLARS.
I'm bolding those numbers for a very specific reason. Lets listen in to a conversation taking place in an alternate reality between an American businessman (we'll call him Bob) and Don Garber.
Businessman Bob - "Thanks for meeting with me Don. I'm very excited about talking to you about bringing Major League Soccer presented by Chase Bank and co-presented by Trojan Condoms to the fine city of St. Louis!"
Don - "We'd love to have St. Louis on board. I'll just need a check for $40 MILLION DOLLARS."
Bob - "Boy howdy that sounds great. The Budweiser pitch inside Trump Casino stadium has just been finished and the Boons Farm supporters terraces will be rocking when our first Major League Soccer presented by Chase Bank and co-presented by Trojan Condoms match happens in 2014!"
Don - "Perfect. Can I get the check please? St. Louis kind of smells and I'd like to leave now."
Bob - "One quick question for you."
Don - "What is it?"
Bob - "What's this relegation nonsense that I've been hearing about the owners voting in during the off season?"
Don - "Nothing you need to worry about."
Bob - "But what is it Don?"
Don - "It just means bottom three teams have to play in the NASL the next year and 3 NASL teams get promoted to our division."
Bob - "How much do they have to pay to get in to MLS?"
Don - "Nothing"
Bob - "Oh, and... what's the success rate of expansion sides in their first season in MLS?"
Don - "In the expansion era only one team would have finished outside of the relegation zone. Seattle in 2009. Every other expansion team would have been relegated."
Bob - "So I'm paying you $40 MILLION DOLLARS for a team that may have to play in the minors in a year?"
Don - "Yes"
Bob - "Don, are you high?"
Don - "We'd love to have St. Louis on board. I'll just need a check for $40 MILLION DOLLARS."
Bob - "Boy howdy that sounds great. The Budweiser pitch inside Trump Casino stadium has just been finished and the Boons Farm supporters terraces will be rocking when our first Major League Soccer presented by Chase Bank and co-presented by Trojan Condoms match happens in 2014!"
Don - "Perfect. Can I get the check please? St. Louis kind of smells and I'd like to leave now."
Bob - "One quick question for you."
Don - "What is it?"
Bob - "What's this relegation nonsense that I've been hearing about the owners voting in during the off season?"
Don - "Nothing you need to worry about."
Bob - "But what is it Don?"
Don - "It just means bottom three teams have to play in the NASL the next year and 3 NASL teams get promoted to our division."
Bob - "How much do they have to pay to get in to MLS?"
Don - "Nothing"
Bob - "Oh, and... what's the success rate of expansion sides in their first season in MLS?"
Don - "In the expansion era only one team would have finished outside of the relegation zone. Seattle in 2009. Every other expansion team would have been relegated."
Bob - "So I'm paying you $40 MILLION DOLLARS for a team that may have to play in the minors in a year?"
Don - "Yes"
Bob - "Don, are you high?"
That, my friend, is why promotion and relegation will never happen in MLS. I do look forward to continuing to read your blog.
To all 5 of my regular readers match "preview" for Saturday's match against the Total Failure Club will be up in the next day or so.
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