"I know you'd like to thank your shit don't stank
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like poo-poo
Yeah, roses really smell like poo-poo"
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like poo-poo
Yeah, roses really smell like poo-poo"
It's come to it again. That time of year where Columbus takes on Don Garber's flavor of the month. It's our game against The LA Galaxy...
...
... wait what? We already played them?
... weird... TFC?... ... ...
Nope, what is it then... do we play Seattle again this week?
Well then who the... ah. Portland.
It seems like every year we seem to have this problem. If you Google "Best Fans In MLS Toronto" the first article that pops up is from 2007. Change Toronto to Portland or Seattle and you get articles published at the beginning of this season.
So who are the "best fans in MLS?" I think the better question to pose is "Who gives a Goddamn?" Clubs such as Portland, Seattle and Toronto have changed the MLS landscape to a virtual wankfest any time any MLS team is mentioned. I would post an example of a Portland vs Seattle flame war on this blog, but I honestly don't want to Google "Two Guys Jerking Off in Front of a Computer".
...
... wait what? We already played them?
... weird... TFC?... ... ...
Nope, what is it then... do we play Seattle again this week?
Well then who the... ah. Portland.
It seems like every year we seem to have this problem. If you Google "Best Fans In MLS Toronto" the first article that pops up is from 2007. Change Toronto to Portland or Seattle and you get articles published at the beginning of this season.
So who are the "best fans in MLS?" I think the better question to pose is "Who gives a Goddamn?" Clubs such as Portland, Seattle and Toronto have changed the MLS landscape to a virtual wankfest any time any MLS team is mentioned. I would post an example of a Portland vs Seattle flame war on this blog, but I honestly don't want to Google "Two Guys Jerking Off in Front of a Computer".
So without any further delay. My completely random match preview.
Opinion of Themselves
Well, you gotta give this one to Portland. Look at the Timbers Army. They certainly know how to paint and if there's one thing that will win you soccer games. It's certainly painting.
ADVANTAGE PORTLAND
Mascot
This is a hard one. I've always had a special place in my heart for Crew Cat. He may not be the most intimidating mascot in Major League Soccer. He may not have any weapons, but he is a cat in a goddamn hard hat and that's pretty awesome in my book.
On the other hand...
HOLY CRAP... SOMEBODY GAVE THE SPECIAL NEEDS KID A CHAINSAW!
Seriously. We can't have streamers, but it's perfectly fracking acceptable to fire up a damn chainsaw during the run of play? I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one.
ADVANTAGE PORTLAND
Hipster Fans
Certainly you wouldn't want the hood of your zerosuit to mess up your faux hawk. Then nobody would see you have the same haircut as...
(seriously... the second image that popped up when I Googled faux-hawk)
Honestly tho, doesn't the Portland fan look like the love child of Becks and Gumby?
ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS (for not having hipster fans)
Actual Record and Stuff... (I know zzzzzzzz nobody comes here for that... yadda yadda yadda)
Portland has won only 1 game away from their famed Obi-Wan Kenobi stadium and have the second worst goals against, only second to TFC (which, if you are new here, means you are fracking horrible if you are close to TFC in anything.) Portland averages 1.72 GA per game which, if you are counting at home, means Columbus might actually score a goal or two.
ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS
I could say a whole lot about heat, heart, the weird Alaska Airlines sponsorship, but I honestly quit caring and just want to go to Hools for a beer now.
See you at the game tomorrow.
Well, you gotta give this one to Portland. Look at the Timbers Army. They certainly know how to paint and if there's one thing that will win you soccer games. It's certainly painting.
ADVANTAGE PORTLAND
Mascot
This is a hard one. I've always had a special place in my heart for Crew Cat. He may not be the most intimidating mascot in Major League Soccer. He may not have any weapons, but he is a cat in a goddamn hard hat and that's pretty awesome in my book.
On the other hand...HOLY CRAP... SOMEBODY GAVE THE SPECIAL NEEDS KID A CHAINSAW!
Seriously. We can't have streamers, but it's perfectly fracking acceptable to fire up a damn chainsaw during the run of play? I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one.
ADVANTAGE PORTLAND
Hipster Fans
Certainly you wouldn't want the hood of your zerosuit to mess up your faux hawk. Then nobody would see you have the same haircut as...
(seriously... the second image that popped up when I Googled faux-hawk)Honestly tho, doesn't the Portland fan look like the love child of Becks and Gumby?
ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS (for not having hipster fans)
Actual Record and Stuff... (I know zzzzzzzz nobody comes here for that... yadda yadda yadda)
Portland has won only 1 game away from their famed Obi-Wan Kenobi stadium and have the second worst goals against, only second to TFC (which, if you are new here, means you are fracking horrible if you are close to TFC in anything.) Portland averages 1.72 GA per game which, if you are counting at home, means Columbus might actually score a goal or two.
ADVANTAGE COLUMBUS
I could say a whole lot about heat, heart, the weird Alaska Airlines sponsorship, but I honestly quit caring and just want to go to Hools for a beer now.
See you at the game tomorrow.
"Majority rule, don't work in mental institutions"
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